aunt agony!

it has been nearly a month that i broke up with my ex bf. u must be wondering, why didnt i write abt it earlier? i did not want to write about it initially because i felt that what i could be writing would be emotionally charged, totally un-objective and could sour the already broken relationship even further.

 i wanted my entry to be a sincere and true reflection of a broken relationship so that it could be read and learnt by friends. not to air dirty linen, not to play the convenient blame game.

monday, my sec sch clique tog with dn’s bioengin clique went out. it was extremely fun, with all the crappy comments, lame jokes.. and the sun and sea breeze was amazingly therapeutic. deniece joined us for the bday celebration over dinner and we talked.

about a year ago, she ended her 4 yr relationship.. when it happened, all of us were so shocked because probably a month before the break up, the lovey couple were contemplating marriage.

over the meal, we exchanged ideas on the why our relationship failed..what went wrong, and the tell-tale signs of a broke relationship. i am extremely glad that the conversation was purely honest, which made it very heart warming, very encouraging, very ‘educational’. i am glad that she was willing to bear her heart and tell me about her innermost thoughts.. in fact, the most productive conversation amongst 2 frens can only occur with pure sincerity and honesty.

so, what went wrong with our relationships?

firstly, our ex-es gave in too much to us. my dad told me, love is a sprint, but long term relationship (e.g. marriage) is a marathon. unfortunately, people commonly associate love with explosive sprints, which made them tire out easily. her ex gave in so much, did wadeva she wanted him to do. my ex too, he gave in alot initially, and did alot of things for me. i told him ‘u know, qianru is always right’. at first, he felt that sounded cute. but after some time, the fact surfaced, qianru can never be always right. true, agree? but, i got so accustomed to the thought that i am always right, and when my bf didnt give in to me, i felt a little sad. initially, all girlfrens would be v pleased if their bfs give in to them. however, this is an addiction and the build up of ‘tolerance’ similar to drug tolerance. after some time, ur bf has to do more for you. guys are also human beings. they get tired too. thats how my ex grew tired of me. tired of making his lovely princess happy. for deniece’s case, because of the ex’s huge sacrifice, at the end of the relationship, he realised that he was left with ‘nothing’. no frens, nothing, only deniece, who also left him.

the moral of the story is: think win-win. a relationship should benefit both sides and the benefit should never be made lobe-sided. all girls would want to be treatd like princess. this is the truth. when u are being treated like a princess, always remember that both of u started off as strangers when u all did not have any expectations on each other. so, treat what the other person did for u as your privilege, rather than ur entitlement, and let him know how much u appreciate what he has done for you. in fact, i really appreciated my bf’s efforts and i have never taken him for granted. but, what i failed to do was to affirm his actions, and to express my gratitude in the most noticeable way. i think he really needed me to tell him how wonderful his actions were. actually, i did. for the simplest thigns that he did for me, i said thank you and i told him its incredible. but his replies were usually ‘aiya that one, so easy wad’. and i would stop there. i should have continued telling him how amazing his actions were. but i failed to do so.

the second thing that caused our relationship to fall apart, was the fact that we were too different. i always thought opposites attract. all throughout my life. my bf was the playful kind, and i m the more boring kind of girl. i was not like that, i used to be more playful and my grades were not as good. but eversince i got my scholarship, it gave me great pressure to do well. i treasure my opportunity to study and i strive hard to get better grades, to constantly improve myself. my ex was the more relaxed person but he also did not believe in hindering in my studies. so, he played his life away, i studied and worked my life away. i admire his life, his carefree life. meeting up with friends, going gym, going windsurfing, going for late night suppers. for me, i like my life as well. i spent my time attending lessons, rushing assignments, preparing for presentations, tests, going for tuitions, going to girls home, going to soka. our lives are really different. we looked out for different kinds of satisfaction in life, and it became gradually apparent what gave us pleasure in life. what gave us pleasure and satisfaction in life wasnt each other. it was other stuff in life. he realised this fact before me. i only realised it when everything was over,that he left for a valid reason. he left because he saw no future with me, and i was only to leave.. had no other choice. i never blamed him. its just a mismatch. just like lattice mismatch that we learnt in surface science, it generates strain which builds up overtime. i think guys are just more decisive. i felt that there was a mismatch, but i also had a firm belief that nothing is impossible. we only had to dialoge and resolve it. however, he didnt want the dialogue and he felt that given the inherent mismatch, we should part.

for deniece’s case, she told me the same story. she said that she’s the playful sort while her bf was the more down to earth, more family man kind. she was always not at home, always out playing while he would wait for her at home. it was exactly the same for my case. i would always be the no-life one, staying at home, waiting for my bf to ask me out.

so, moral of the story (again) , it is important to haf foresight. try to make some safe speculations i guess. i am a risk taker. i felt that no matter how different 2 human beings are, if both are committed and willing to change the situation, nothing is impossible. till now, i still think so. but the condition is : ‘both’ must be willing to see things thru and work things out. if only one is willing to, that is still insufficient. you just need both to see things in the same light. with that said, if both can and are able to see things in the same light, there is a likelihood that their personalities are similar to begin with. which then goes back to the same point that u need to find some1 who is originally compatible with you. my mom told me something which i found very true : dont go into a relationship with the mentality that u want to change someone. if that is what you want, dont get into the relationship. it is never going to work.

my mom told me that, very long ago. she said it was out of kind intention, out of experience, but i refused to believe it (you know, young ppl) and i was ever more determined to show them it is not going to come true. my parents have never given me support for getting into relationships. my dad said it would affect my studies. and i proved him wrong by working hard to achieve the grades that he desired his daughter to have. my mom said that i am simply too young, or rather, she was against my choice of the men whom i liked. she believes in giving up relationship that started off as a mismatch due to personality differences. i liked guys who are more playful cos i can admire their life. their carefree-ness. but its also due to that which caused the relationship to fall thru. gals, u need to find some1 who’s similar to you. i believe, it is a wrong choice to go for a man who has a lifestyle that is vastly different from yours. it’s just not going to work out.

one thing which really struck me in my dialogue with deniece was the part that she mentioned girls like to be treated like princess but that itself doesnt guarantee the relationship is going to work out. she said, the guy may seem like the perfect man. however, what makes a relationship last is the ability and the willingness for both parties to thrash things out, to articulate what they are not comfortable with, giving very good and logical reasons. for example, she said that she dint like ben going out with his frens. but she did not elaborate why. she did not say it was because she felt insecure, or stuff like that. she would just give a black face, and the ex would do likewise. there was alot of guessing, alot of speculation. alot of tension. in the end, he would listen to deniece, but that itself doesnt solve the root of the problem. humans like us are always thinking of quick fixes. thinking of how to immediatelycut short our sufferings, our hardships. we hardly think long term. we do not see our quick fix actions as jeopardizing our brilliant futures. she told me, what she like about her current bf is his ability to reason. not his ability to take in thrash, and give way to unreasonable requests. in fact, thru him, she learnt alot. she learnt how to work synergistically with her partner, to see things in a different paradigm. well, althou he looks like a sloppy kid, i am glad he is a man with good reasonin skills. that is important.

 

in conclusion, start everything on the right foot. to begin with, the personalities gotta be compatible. if along the way, differences become too different, try to have sincere and reflective dialogue to get everything back into place before things become toooo significantly different. i came in too late, i only came when my relationship was taking its last breath. i sent my relationship to death. i do not blame him. it was my fault for not looking after my relationship well. i believed in letting each other have his or her own space for personal development, i believed in independence. to me, youth is a time for development. i think the couple wil be very happy seeing each other develop. my ideal relationship is one whereby both develop in their own ways, meeting up probably 1 or 2 days a wkk to spend time with each other to tell each other about their achievements, their challenges and they can both encourage each other to strive on. its a system of support, a system of enduring love.

it is unfortunate that my relationship was not able to reach tt level. it was at a superficial level of a man loving a girl by giving her promises after promises, and breaking them subsequently.

i was silly to have neglected the tell-tale signs of a failed relationship, and making my relationship so frail. i fed on promises, i fed on the hope that the promises would be fulfilled somehow. but i failed to understand him, what are his goals, his vision, his interests and how he sees things.

the next time i get into a relationship, i must definitely work hard. i know it is impossible for my ex to get me back, however, i hope that he can find his happiness in his new life..

frens, take care : )

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008 at 6:26 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.